Diante da acirrada disputa no mercado de trabalho, experiências no exterior como um intercâmbio passaram a ser por demais valorizadas pelos RHs da vida. Claro que quem tem bala na agulha vai fazer intercâmbio na Nova Zelândia, Alemanha, Inglaterra... Eu estou indo pros Estados Unidos, o estino escolhido por quem determinou o programa e criou o concurso de bolsas.
- Estados Unidos é intercâmbio de pobre.- Mas pobre não faz intercâmbio!- Faz sim, se tiver ganhado uma bolsa como eu!
Por isso, estou deixando família, amigos, faculdade, estágio pelo período máximo de 1 ano. Vou fazer parte de outra família. Estou partindo rumo à terra do Bush, do McDonalds, do country e de Hollywood. Não quero fazer a América nem deixar ela me fazer. Quero iluminação, amadurecimento, cultura, histórias pra contar, um melhor currículo, um punhado de dólares e eletrônicos mais em conta! Nessa ordem.
Mas não se preocupem. Nas palavras de Jesus e Schwarzenneger: Eu voltarei!
De Bonsucesso para o mundo:
Natalia Weber tem 21 anos e é estudante de jornalismo da UFF (RJ). Parece uma americana, mas é brasileiríssima. É suburbana com orgulho e está prestes a adentrar nos Estados Unidos. Ela nunca viajou de avião, nunca arrumou uma mala tão grande, detesta McDonalds. Vai ser Au Pair numa família muito boa e com (graças a Deus!) uma criança. Uma criança linda, fofa e maravilhosa. Espera ter bastante tempo pra estudar e espera encontrar bons cursos pra fazer e complementar seu currículo. Espera também aprender a dirigir bem rápido pra se mover lá. Espera conhecer Nova York. Por livre e espontânea pressão, tem a possibilidade de visitar a Disney, mas se não conseguir se livrar dessa, promete enviar uma foto esganando o Mickey! Ela está com muitas saudades dos pais e amigos, por isso espera que eles venham sempre aqui.
(sobbing) - I am worry about mommy... - Don't worry, baby... - It's daaaark... - You don't need to worry about her, she's the one that worries about you! - I AM worried about mommy!! She's alone... - She will be fine, she can take care of herself. She's a big girl! - But she still needs care. - ... yes, she does... - No matter if you are big! Everyone needs care! - That's right... - And also who needs it is me... - That's why we are all here for.
I have no idea of how many minutes were wasted. But it's pretty clear I won't get them back. More than just minutes, I long for everything I could have done while they passed, the memories that I would like to have right now. But instead of memories, they are dreams.
I long for the experiences I wish I had lived while those minutes rushed on a nearby clock, experiences that would mold me into someone completely different, smarter, wiser.
I miss some things I end up never doing, and I'll never have an opportunity anymore. Never had it, never will.
I miss intense first looks, measurement, assessment of height, length and depth of the one I'd be soon falling on an intense crush, that would get me out off my mind.
I miss the first touch, heating me up on the inside, while a fresh breeze of his breath on my ear would try to cool it off, in vain.
I miss first kisses. People are so desperate to get inside each other that they go back to their first fixation: by the mouth, it all begins. Our first contact with another, our first contact with pleasure. Hot, wet, quick, messy... we would be hidden somewhere, in the dark, powered by rush, adrenaline, hormones, letting it all fly.
I miss learning how our bodies work, with an exploratory trip into each other, a silly and simple game, and clumsy attempts that would make us burst into laughter.
I miss summer loves, summer lovers, summer kisses, holding hands and laying around talking, or saying nothing at all.
I miss stupid fights, and heart breaks that would become easier to heal with time.
I miss extreme intimacy, and, even for a while, get to know someone deeply.
I miss having someone to call when I'm down, with no shame of letting my feelings take control for a while.
I miss having someone that drives me crazy, in the bad AND good way.
I miss being in love, down on all fours, with someone feeling the same as me. Even if it was for a couple of weeks.
I can't have this anymore... the clock has ticked away, the alarm rang, I woke up. There no time for going easy anymore. Things get serious as we grow. People get practical, impatient. There are unspoken rules and each date you gotta go further. Third date kiss, fifth date sex. You need to worry now. Birth control, what day was it suppose to come, I'll open my eyes and it will be minus... You need to analyze now. How much does he gets, what does he do, is he even single. It's not silly, it's not a game, it's not simple. And even kids stopped going go easy these days.
It's too late, and I didn't learn. And no book can help me now.
I just spent a couple of hours searching for a nice camera to buy. Nice, but with a nice price, 'cause I'm on a budget. Professional are my dream, but let's get real... I read and read and read professional and consumer reviews, looked at other people pictures to asses the quality, got over a zillion of specifications, pondered over the pros and cons, bugged Martha about it until she could not understand a thing anymore. I finally got my mind set on one. Simple, solid, good, safe.
Still, I could not click on "Submit Your Order".
First, I'm kinda cheap. I don't like spending money at all. I guess I was still waiting for something to reassure myself.
I decided to leave the page open and go take a bath, go to sleep over it.
Then, I started to fear the airport customs people when I come back to Brazil. What if they get me? Maybe they'll think the camera is much more expensive than it is. But if they get me, no matter what they'll think, I'll be busted...
Right after that, another thought came through my head. Something that scared me so much. It's something I'm always saying, but it was like the idea had just sunken in... Am I aware of the place I'm coming back too? I do know, right? I do know that place very well. Well enough to start anticipating the fear of walking around with the camera, or even when going by car. Bus, forget it. Where should I take it? On which occasions? What if someone sees me with it, then tells somebody that tells somebody that decides to break into my house? What if, when robbing my camera, the person also decides to, I don't know, kill me?
Or even if I manage to forget about getting the camera... While I'm here, I bought Nike shoes. Can I walk around with them? At least I managed to unglue the Nike logo of the left shoe, half of it still is on the right.
And I bought Tommy Hillfinger shoes for 20 dollars at Ross. They are abnormally white. Can I use them?
And yeah, my laptop.
I still remember where I live. It's a place full of idle people that envy other people.
Those thoughts scared me so much. What can I do with this fear? I'm not the kind of person that lets the fear of being robbed take over, but maybe because I never experienced that. Right now, the scenes I could somehow project in my mind seemed real enough to strike me.
And still, I'm coming back. I don't want to stay, I never wanted to stay. I was ready to face my city's situation with the chin up, because, although it is a messy, crazy, violent, dirty, unsafe home, it is home.
Do you want to know why I wanted another camera? Well, for one thing, I love photography. But above all, I wished to have a camera that could do this:
the need for ice-cream is not enough to make me go down the stairs... I just tried, but I do-not-want-to-see-anyone!
Call me emo but I HATE being misunderstood... always did, always could not handle when people get me all wrong. And it happened quite a lot.
Is it me? I don't express myself correctly? Or is it because some people are not sensible enough to notice anything that touches the helm of the subjective, ethereal, FEELINGS for crying out loud!!
I'm so tired of not having anyone trying to understand me. Feels like I'm not interesting at all. Just... someone who's obviously over-reacting and/or being dramatic and/or being unreasonable.
Maybe that happens because people in this world are so used to not getting love for free... they just cannot see it or feeling and it comes to them.
I always make fun of Mr. Bush, but I think that in his stupidness he created a great new word. One more time, they misunderestimated me...
I haven't been here for a while... mostly 'cause I've been busy for a change...
The tornado brought very VERY hot weather. And Greg left me and Mason without a/c. I mean, and I can't event turn the thing on. I could just open every window, turn on the fans and feed ice cubes to Mason all the time.
That following Friday, I met April at Rosslyn station so we could go to the Rilo Kiley concert at the 930 Club. She was staying at Georgetown with some friends for a conference, and we ended up going back and fourth meeting them, go up the room, go down, wait for bus, get down, they wanted to eat, and they couldn't decide where to eat, doors opened at 8 and at 9 o'clock I got up, smiled and say we had to leave.
I found out I'm the most patient, nice and foolish person in the world.
And that now I need to think twice before complaining about Martha...
The concert was very fine after all. It took a long time to start tough. Those boring "friends of Rilo Kiley" playing country music almost killed the mood. Rilo Kiley sound better live for sure. You could swear Jenny Lewis is the best singer around. And her performance is flawless, emotional, beautiful. She is very cute and nice, and Blake is mighty cute too.
They played "Dreamworld" but nobody showed excitement! I of course sang, so happy! I wish everyone liked that song too... But I should have quit on the people around here...
Saturday I got back to my guitar lessons, but walking out of the house was a bigger strain I thought I'd be it was so completely hot... more than 100 degrees Fahrenheit, 40 celsius... The car was burning, I was melting, I just wanted to lay down and collapse...
Greg was coming back, just then the weather changed and it was not that hot. But I was crabby and feeling terrible and sticky. I complained a lot. The minute he got in he turned the a/c on... thank God!
And Mason was very excited to see him!
Sunday I watched "Kung Fu Panda" with the indian neighbor. The movie is soooooooooooo bodacious (watch it and you'll' get it!)
Monday it was the Death Cab for Cutie concert. I picked Martha up with the directions. But I forgot the one with the way back. She said it wasn't necessary, and as we were very late already, I let it go... I wanted someone to come with me to help me drive there, because I know how nervous I can get. And I took... Martha! Well, it was by default.
She started by talking on the phone for a long time with the windows closed so she could hear and you can't imagine how hot it was. Other than that we made it to Merriweather Post Pavillion and she drove away to the mall.
It was kinda sad going to the concert alone. No one else was alone. And yeah, I felt like on an american all-cities high school reunion! I didn't know, but my ticket was for the floor space, right in front of the band! I thought it was awesome, but early on those little skinny teenage girls that eat air and red bull for dinner started to faint all around me!
But the show was awesome. Ben Gibbard was RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! We had several up close & personal moments, you know... I could swear he was looking at me all annoyed while I filmed his performance... sometimes I think... those people must think we think of them as trained monkeys on a circus or something. Well, some do get carried on with the "celebrity" thing, all those girls begging for an used towel at the end of the show...
None of the music they played was boring, they were all so completely beautiful. Poor Ben, he didn't drip, he poured sweat all over, I thought he was going to disappear. And all dressed in black, to top it all! He was very worried with us, the people up front, overheated... He said the sweetest thing: "If you're feeling bad, just act as if you were at a Michael W. Smith concert and lift your hand like you're praising, and those guys will help you..."
And he's not fat!
On the way back, Martha failed on her co-pilot position and started to watch a RBD dvd, never noticing that I had to get on a certain exit, so I was trapped on 495 forever! And she was saying: "Enter DC and do another way from there..." NOOOO!!! "What about taking this exit to Alexandria?" NOOOOOOOOOO!!! "Don't you know how to drive around here??" NOOOO!!! That's why I got maps and a co-pilot that was supposed to HELP ME!!!!
I was on panic. Really bad. Luckily we hadn't taken a completely wrong way, just took an longer one. Camila helped us over the phone, but I was very upset. We should have been home much earlier! At least the concert was great! Otherwise...
Ok, so the day was normal. I went to the indian neighbor for lunch and we had a nice talk. She gave me some career advices, and I was beginning to think about a life plan when I check the watch: time to pick up Lindsay and Lacey. I get on the car and drive like the 30 steps to the school and I see the line of cars is not moving. And I couldn't make a turn before the intersection of the streets, so, to try to escape the big line (unusual, but I noticed a storm coming, I read about thunderstorms in the area, so I figured every parent wanted to pick up their kids instead of having them walking home) I had to go around and try to come from the other side. Didn't work, cars weren't moving. That was weird.
Then I feel the strange wind, cars turning around and the big black clouds coming. It was past the time they'd get the kids out, and I could only think that Lindsay and Lacey could be out, with a big, big rain pouring in 3, 2, 1. I parked the first place I saw, a grass field away from the school, got out of the car and ran like a maniac towards it. Right this second, the rain came down heavy. On me.
I reach the first door, I was supposed to get to the second. But I could not move, the rain and the wind were too strong, my lenses were dancing on my eyeballs... I have my back against the wall, I breath in, I need to find the girls! A woman in a car on the street across me rolls down her window and shouts: "STAY WHERE YOU ARE! STAY WHERE YOU ARE!" Mas, was I starting to get really nervous...
A woman inside the school, tells me to go to the office (the place I was trying to get to in the first place). So I run and get there! Soaked wet! A parent, waiting around, tries to humor me: "You made it!" I give him a cold look. I wanna find the girls...
I get inside the school and I notice a bunch of kids knelled, with their faces on the floor, turned to the wall. I learn they held the all kids inside, and they where in the "tornado position". I nearly hyperventilate...
So you know, this is the duck-and-cover position. This picture is from the Post, not from the school I was at, tough...
Got the point?
Adults could walk around, while kids had to keep that position for how long, so I try to find my girls among the little backs that faced me from the ground. It's hard to look for them when everybody is compressed like that. I try to focus on their clothes, so soon I find Lacey, and she was fine how I thought she'd be. She's tough and not easily impressed. She smiles at me and gets up, and I rush to tell her to get down. I cannot take them out, as one of the teachers told me.
Then the power went off, and the emergency lights were on. I knew I had to find Lindsay, 'cause she'd be nervous, for sure... I go to where the 5th graders are, and it's hard to find her, I ask all teachers... Finally she looks up and sees me, and I could tell she's been crying. She gets up, and all the teachers around rushes to tell her to keep down. I feel terible for her, for them. But at least the girls could see me, I was hoping that would calm them down a little, to know that I was there with them, aware of here they were and if they were safe. As I walked through the corridors I could her the teacher trying to make the kids calm. Some would caress their backs. One was telling them how interesting the whole thing really was and how they could all do some "creative writing" on the subject the next day. Then she went on saying that there was actually the safest place they could be, so they shouldn't worry. I saw a teacher grabbing a boy by his hand to get him a little bit away from the others, and while he resumed the position on the floor, she placed a trash can next to his mouth. He did look sick. All I could think was that, other than a school shooting, that one of the most american experience I could have.
I also thought that maybe the girl's mom was trying to hear from me if they were ok, but she could not reach me, 'cause I let everything in the car. And then I wandered how back things were outside, and if my car would be turned around by the wind. I was felling nervous, and terrible that the kids had to go through this. I wish I could also find Daiana's former host kids. I spotted the teacher from the Portuguese Club I once volunteered with Daiana. I looked at her and made a sad face. She says: "É muito horrível."
I could only mouth the word back at her... "horrível..."
A voice comes over the speakers: "Kids, you've been great..." And everyone gets on their feet. Lindsay hugs one or two friends, and comes to me.
"Are you wet?" "Yeah, I couldn't get to the school so I parked anywhere and ran like crazy just when the rain started. I was worried sick that you'd be out in the rain..."
I hug her too, but it didn't turn out to be the affectuous hug I was ready to give, for the other part is not that affectuous. She tells me she was crying, that she was worried about the dog at home, and that she thought the worse would happen.
I go get Lacey and it fells great to have both now, together and safe.
"Did you cry?" Lindsay asks. "Nope", Lacey goes, as if nothing was on. "I was really, really nervous, like praying the whole time..."
I tell them how I got to the school and everything, and soon we are at home. The power was off and I find a call from their mom on my cell. I call her first thing to tell her we were safe now, and about what went on at school. I apologized for not having my phone, but she said it was ok. She called the school and knew that the girls would be held inside, but she was also worried about me, driving there.
"The stove isn't working." "Ahnnn, no TV!"
I spent a fairly good amount of time searching everywhere around the house for a match to heat up some food for the girls. I suggested to get a candle and ask a neighbor to light me up.
"That would be weird", said Lindsay. "Yeah, but when the power's off and you're hungry you kinda have to make do." "Here's a candle." "A scented candle?" "Yeah, we have a bigger one, but then it'd be worse to go to the neighbors carrying it." "Fine, I'll take it."
So there I was, crossing the street, when it hits me. What kind of stupid person am I?
"What kind of stupid person am I?" I ask loudly, setting the scented candle on the kitchen counter. "What?" "I have a lighter in my car... This is the kind of moment I can say I love Greg."
Inside the glove compartment, my boy-scout-host-father set up a survivor kit with aspirins, 20 bucks, the insurance information of the car, and a lighter.
The lighter makes a big flame, and Lacey thinks it's just amazing. As I light the candle, getting the whole house to smell like butterscotch, she says (not sure if she wasn't teasing): "Cool. God bless Greg..."
Lindsay doesn't get how the stove top can't work with no electricity and seems puzzled by how am I gonna make it work. I tell her about how the gas comes off and the electric part of the game makes a sparkle that sets the fire. So if I can get the gas coming, and I can provide the fire, it'll work. With a toothpick I get a little flame from the candle, then with a quick move I get the thing working, for their amazement... Lindsay goes on saying that she never saw that, she didn't know one could do that and on and on...
After getting them some food (rice with... rice, they chose it!), I laid down on the couch. I was drained. I don't know how long I stayed down, but suddenly I get up with the idea of making popcorn - the official power-down snack. Popcorn being made at the stove is a hit between kids of the microwave era...
Lindsay was jumping on the trampoline, Lacey was writing a Christmas book. Shelley went home to find all very ok. I wanted to stay and tell her a little more about what happen. I end up getting out of there a little late. As I pull off, like, 10 indians, mothers and kids, were walking in the middle of the street...
- a new pink headphone - a black bra w/ stuffing - 2 shirts - chocolate - a dark jeans bermuda - a plaid bermuda, really, REALLY america - red shoes - an Andy Warhol wallet to give to a friend.
Today, Lacey's mom told me she asked her how is it gonna be when I'm gone, she doesn't want me to. I said: "Really? I mean, Lacay said that?"
And her mom was like "I know", 'cause it's so not like her.
I guess she does have a soft side but... man, that's just so sad... to part. And it gets near and near everyday.
It's so boring here, all alone. I miss my baby. We still have 2 weeks apart from each other. I want her to come back and fill my days. All I want to do is sleep.
" My life has been extraordinary Blessed and cursed and won Time heals but I'm forever broken By and by the way..."
